where the heart is

( 'Cause the dreams that I dream and the songs that I sing when I lost myself it had a different meaning )

The Jewish community here in Lima was rocked and stunned this Saturday morning when turning up for Saturday morning service to discover the Jewish Community Center had been set alight and burned down at some point in the early morning.

Emergency response teams were quick to the scene following alerts and were glad to report that no injuries were sustained, the center was empty following the investigation of an unnamed citizen checking the center, risking his own health to be sure no one was in danger.

At current the cause of the fire is undetermined but local authorities are looking into the gas line running under the center to be sure that this was not another gas leak. Last weekend Dalton Academy suffered a horrific gas explosion which rendered the build condemned and resulted in the relocation of students.

Hot on the tails of potential gas work incompetence comes the reports of a vigilante in small town Lima. Lima Heights saw the prevention of a heinous sex crime with the apprehension of three men. Authorities have reported that while there have been no serious casualties as of yet, the search is on for the unnamed and unidentified citizen protecting the streets at night.

Having foiled no less than five attempts of criminal misbehaviour, the question is posed -is vigilantism truly a terrible thing, or is it just the steps being taken that police are under-equipped, under-staffed and under-motivated to do?

DALTON ACADEMY BURNED TO GROUND!

In a surprising twist on the up-scale private school, sources are confirming that Dalton Academy in Westerville burned to an itty-bitty crisp in the early evening hours of Saturday night. Early investigation has pointed to one suspected fatality, almost a dozen serious injuries and property damage ranging to the utterly annihilated. Luckily the school was not at full capacity during a weekend, most students having returned home.

No solid lead as yet to the cause of the explosion and subsequent fires, however police are following a potential gas leak and candle lighting explanation.

For personal and private reasons, no names have been released, however the suspected fatality's family have been informed. Thoughts and condolences go out to our Westerville friends.

Happy Hanukkah to my fellow Jews!

I have chocolate gelt for everyone today. :)

Nana sent the midget packing! This is like the best Hanukkah ever (although if I got a car, it'd be better, I think it's unlikely though -Dad is oddly hating on cars right now)

Hope everyone has a great day!

With the ever looming threat of winter it is entirely possible to expect the change on fashion on parade throughout McKinley high and the streets of Lima. One would expect hats, scarves, gloves, long coats, snow boots, that sort of thing. It's highly unlikely (and definitely not forecast) that anyone would expect to need a boat.

Yes a boat.

Reports throughout Lima suggest the increase in rainfall over the last three weeks has not been natural -mostly because the rainfall is localised to areas of Lima while the remainder of the town stays dry and mostly sunny. Strange? Indeed.

The general consensus around leading scientific minds (in Lima, they aren't very leading really) is that the bi-polar climatic currents are shifting into alignment with the astrological sign that the end is indeed coming, as the Mayan people predict. Logically, it's probably just a low current hitting a high current and propelling the smattering of rain along the subjected areas of the town. (But no one listens to me.)

Between the electrically charged air (presumably how one member of McKinley High's Titan football team managed to get electrocuted in the car park or something *cough*cover up*cough*) the freak weather shifts and the noted increase in carbon dioxide (Guy Fawkes night is a United Kingdom celebrated holiday, whoever is burning the paper and bark, stop it, ash is so not healthy to breath in) levels in the town, investigation is warranted.

I think I'll just sit this one out guys, it's a little too 'the weather depicts the end of days' for my liking.

Besides, I have a midget to deal with and a boot to track down (seriously, someone in this town owns far too many pairs of shoes, and it's not even a girl!).

Nana Midi went to Vegas last week.

She said she wanted a little more 'action' than her usual bridge games with the ladies at Temple. I'm not exactly sure what 'action' she was referring to, but I chose not to ask.

Worrying text message has led me to believe she's married a midget in a ceremony officiated by Elvis not Blaine Anderson, one of the fake Elvis'

I have put my stake out on hold to discover just what the hell my grandmother is doing.

Although all my soil samples have been forwarded to a contact at OSU for analysis in the geology lab and the boot print I found is being run through a ghost program I wrote for this express purpose.

Shockingly, Nana's potential wedding is a little more pressing than the impending alien invasion.

There were news crews down at the quarry. Some sort of investigative team as well. There's a crater the size of the moon (not really but it's pretty effing big) down there and the edges are all charred and the rock and dirt has been melted or something. I snuck in last night, before the Government got in there with their cover up hats and hid all the evidence.

Mom will never again convince me that CSI and their franchise are not worth watching. I got a boot print, some burned remains -I'm pretty sure whatever crashed had to break up when it landed or maybe it burnt up in the atmosphere and bits broke off. Everything is melted and smells disgusting, but I'm sure I'll be able to puzzle this one out.

It's like Roswell all over again. I can't wait to hit this out and prove that the Government is covering this stuff up.

Then, people will have to take me seriously.

BREAKING NEWS:

The overlord has lost his foothold!

News that the Diamond Diva has broken away from the tight clutches of the Overlord have spread like wildfire, and naturally this dedicated reporter was on the scene (in a manner of speaking) to bring you the news the moment she could.

Diamond has always been considered lost to the tight grasp of the Overlord and his evil plans, beyond all else our fair Diamond had seemed set to carry on the Overlord's bidding with a merry jaunt and flashy (if not utterly fascinating in colour choice) wardrobe and plenty of attitude.

But it is the case no more!

Diamond has stepped out from the chains of the evil ruling and broken the confinements of her free will (we hope the colourful ensemble stays, but there is the possibility that certain wardrobe choices are purely due to the mental control of something so flamboyant it might as well put a flag in it's head and set itself on fire just so that it can be that flaming) to break her own way and finally rejoin the ranks of the mentally sound and the totally able. Presumably, this personality change will signal the start of a potential crisis as the Overlord may note his lack to tight reign over those he may have thought his willing subjects.

Whatever will be next?

All this reporter knows is that she will be there, following the news wherever it may go! (Unless it goes into the boys second floor bathroom -she is not that dedicated, fair readers.)

And I can't get a part time writing gig because my reporting isn't serious enough?

Ooooooookay.

In the truest form of flattery -which by the way isn't impersonation, that's the highest form of plagiarism and is something I shall be pursuing, Mandy Malkin you horrid little weasel, and I will wring your neck out until the taxidermist --- wait, nevermind.

Ah, the Cleveland Valley Clovers (or something like that, they have these weird four leaf clovers on their uniforms which are supposed to depict good luck or good fortune, I fail to see how a weed with four leaves is meant to be lucky when it gets stood on more often than not) once again proving their originality with a startling rendition of 'California Gurls' (they can't spell or do geography apparently) which, and I have several sources which support this (one of them being unmentionable but it is strongly ill-advised to argue with her) claim that they have, in all fairness, ripped off the failed 2011 WMHS Cheerio's routine for Nationals (note to self; never mention 'Nationals', 'fail' and '2011' to Coach Sylvester without bulletproof barriers, and even then be several miles away {additionally; don't mention glee club, chess club, the football team, yearbook committee, badminton club, the boozy woman who pretends to teach, Spanish AT ALL, or lemon juice} for personal safety).

The Clovers have never heard that they shouldn't pair green with blue however and simply looked like food poisoned, suffocating oompha loompas in skirts. Which funnily enough I would watch.

It's safe to assume that Clovers will not be competition for Coach Sylvester's back on top Cheerio squad led by the shockingly successful Becky Jackson (she so totally reminds me of someone, I just can't put my finger on it, it might be the mega phone) and trained to perfection by Jackson's deputy (although it seems to be in name only) Santana Lopez (is it possible to be Satan incarnate and a cheerleader? I don't think that is legally allowed, someone should look into it).

Additionally, the weather in Lima has taken a turn for the hormonal. Advice widespread is that umbrellas -although good at keeping the water off your head in the moments of extreme downpour, only attract lightning in the moments of confusingly sudden thunder and lightning storms (just as pod person and former bully Dave Karofsky if flesh is a good conductor). (the answer is no by the way) Weather-ologist, or whatever they call themselves, guess work the lot of it, lets be honest, blame a high pressure front of what the hell ever.

My belief? The rod towers are failing. Soon, we will be able to see the glass dome over out planet and the Government will be exposed. I will find the scoop on this. Mark my words.

( And smile silent, it's all implied, you'll die trying to live this down. )

H.M.D

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